| Author | Message | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1032 Registered: 11-2004 |
These small struggles I glorify, have them swirling like epic seas with tidal pulls. I think I own the constellations, think that my fingertips grow pens and feathers, colors with no names, brushes and violets. This whole life I have touched rusted things, leaned down to pick them up beneath the briar bushes- not brave, just untamed, embracing my tiny rebellions. When I am distilled, my bones bleached as white as the sand I treasure, my little hurricane will go unnamed. The sea will swallow the torn boards and tumble the shards I leave. Across the ocean another woman will gather a sliver of smooth green glass and lay it on her windowsill. | ||
| Cary
Valued Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 111 Registered: 07-2005 |
Hurricane Dale... This is excellent poetry. I love the line "my little hurricane will go unnamed" and the ending is precious. While I think the last four lines of S1 are solidly written, I think they go against the grain of the hurricane theme here and that their extraction might better solidify the extension of metaphor. Much enjoyed! Cary... | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1037 Registered: 11-2004 |
Thank you Cary. I appreciate the kind words and thoughtful comments. I see your point... tell me, if you will, what you think of this revision. take care~dale revision These small struggles I glorify, have them swirling like epic seas with tidal pulls. I think I own the constellations that scatter at the storm's approach, imagine my eager heart churns the brine and whips the winds that gather filled with threats and thunder. This whole life I have touched broken things, leaned down to pick them up beneath the briar bushes- not brave, just untamed, embracing my tiny rebellions. When I am distilled, my bones bleached as white as the sand I treasure, my little hurricane will go unnamed. The sea will swallow the torn boards and tumble the shards I leave. Across the ocean another woman will gather a sliver of smooth green glass and lay it on her windowsill. (Message edited by sparklingseas on August 01, 2005) | ||
| Cary
Valued Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 115 Registered: 07-2005 |
Excellent revision Dale. Category Five! Tropical Storm Cary... | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 4398 Registered: 07-2001 |
I think I own the constellations that scatter at the storm's approach, imagine my eager heart churns the brine and whips the winds that gather filled with threats and thunder. Gee, Dale, you edited before I could nit the thinks. Good read, neat end. Thanks. Gary Drop in read the new MindFire, 2005's first Go in through http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ to get to the issue in a click or two. | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 4736 Registered: 11-1998 |
The ending to this is what makes the whole, Dale. I love the connection between the narrator and the woman in the end. Almost like finding a bottle with a note in it. It made me remember that all of us ripple out towards others whether we know them or not. A fine and intimate look at what is really so universal. | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2593 Registered: 07-2002 |
Dale, A strong metaphor and I enjoyed this poem. The begining lines feel too passive though and I wondered about flipping them around a bit: Maybe something like: I glorify small swirling struggles, epic seas with tidal pulls. This is my favorite part: When I am distilled, my bones bleached as white as the sand I treasure, my little hurricane will go unnamed. lovely! best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Advanced Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2259 Registered: 12-2003 |
Dale, lovely writing. Don't we all have small hurricanes from time to time.  K | ||
| michael julius sottak
Advanced Member Username: julius Post Number: 1542 Registered: 12-2003 |
Hurricane Dale who are you? is your song the lilt of bagpipes on fiords or something of the lost? Sing, me Lady, Dance a little bit... Make me smile in Irish! | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1410 Registered: 08-2003 |
Dale, I suggest (1) Change to active voice per ljc (2) Dance with the man. Last stanza brought the wave waaaaaay out. E | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1041 Registered: 11-2004 |
Thank you all for dropping by. Cary & Gary (hard to hold back a poet!  ) ~ glad you guys like the revisions. Thanks for the suggestions, Cary. M~ If you can walk by the ocean and not feel like a small part of something grand and ordered... well, that's just too sad to imagine! Kathy~ Oh, thank you so much! Lisa and E~ OK... when you two gang up on me like that I have to listen!  (grins)~revision below. Julius~ E has consistantly advised me well. Let me get my dancing shoes. take care all~dale re-revision I glorify my small struggles, picture them swirling, epic seas with tidal pulls. I think I own the constellations that scatter at the storm's approach, imagine my eager heart churns the brine and whips the winds that gather filled with threats and thunder. This whole life I have touched broken things, leaned down to pick them up beneath the briar bushes- not brave, just untamed, embracing my tiny rebellions. When I am distilled, my bones bleached as white as the sand I treasure, my little hurricane will go unnamed. The sea will swallow the torn boards and tumble the shards I leave. Across the ocean another woman will gather a sliver of smooth green glass and lay it on her windowsill. | ||
| Jim Doss
Senior Member Username: jimdoss Post Number: 1721 Registered: 12-2003 |
Dale, Last stanza in the revision is very strong. Jim My books are available at http://www.lulu.com/jimdoss. Visit The Loch Raven Review at http://www.lochravenreview.com. | ||
| michael julius sottak
Advanced Member Username: julius Post Number: 1544 Registered: 12-2003 |
very fine revision, Dale... I was speaking to the enigmatic character... that sifting sylph that keeps emerging from your work...let's be content to call it a fine voice that consistently enthralls me (and this reminds me of Hart Crane, scuttling across ocean floors) well done j | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1043 Registered: 11-2004 |
Julius~ Thank you sir. I appreciate the Hart Crane comment...sylph, though? I do believe they are considered soulless... surely that wasn't what you meant. take care~dale | ||
| susan wiener
New member Username: susie Post Number: 27 Registered: 07-2004 |
Wonderful poem. Keep writing! | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1045 Registered: 11-2004 |
Jim & Susan~ Thank you both for reading and commenting. take care~dale | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1133 Registered: 11-2003 |
dale you are growing in leaps and bounds, very good work laurie |
